How to make an un-expectant, expectant mother cranky…

Note to readers: I don’t mean to make everything about the pregnancy right now, but since I blog about what I muse, this is just at the musing forefront right now. Don’t worry, there are other items in the works for those who, like myself, are squeamish about babies.

One thing I heard lots of pregnant ladies gripe about, to which I was like “what-e-ver,” is the way they are treated when pregnant.  Holy crap, I get it now and I know it will only get worse and I have to say, the worst offenders of these annoyances are men. It’s because, let’s face it, you guys don’t get it and you are probably really curious. I mean, you probably get annoyed when I ask questions about how you manage to light your farts on fire, it’s natural to be curious about the opposite sex.

In regard to my particular situation: “How did you not know?”

The only people who have asked me this are men—men who were either absent from their wives’ bedside during her pregnancy (so a particular generation) or bachelors. Guys have this notion that women’s bodies work perfectly and like clockwork. I really don’t want to delve into 8th grade health class, so let’s just say, if it was so easy and such a catch-all for the ladies, people like me wouldn’t find out so late that they are knocked-up.

Consequently, as silly as I had felt—and had been made to feel about this—I have met so many ladies who have had the exact same thing happen to them. So I realize, I’m not an anomaly, I may even be a norm. What to expect when you’re not expecting to expect!

“Look at your belly!”

I get it, there is life inside me. It’s completely weird and a bit disgusting, but I guess it’s also a beautiful thing. That doesn’t mean that each day someone can comment on the size of my belly (or boobs for that matter…). It’s hard enough being a girl and constantly worrying about my size when I’m not pregnant, I don’t need a constant reminder that I’m not going to be the centerfold of Sports Illustrated any time soon (unless there is a maternity edition.)

Again, guys, you are the worst culprits of this.

There is also a difference between being a friend versus an acquaintance, and being a close friend versus just a friend, in who is permitted to make intimate comments on one’s appearance.

“You should do this, that, this, that, and exactly the opposite of what you are currently doing.”

My boyfriend and I are figuring this out. We ask for advice, we seek it when we want it, but what we don’t want is unsolicited advice. Remember that wacky saying, “different strokes for different folks”? While, we are different folks, and if we make mistakes, we will own up to them. If you are right, you can say, “I told you so.” But let us ask the questions, digest the advice, and figure out what will work for our family, not what did or didn’t for yours.

“Will you be coming back to work?”

Firstly, this is between my boss and me. Not me and my colleagues, not me and the hot dog vendor down the street. Secondly, yes, I anticipate doing this for a variety of reasons.

Working moms tend to be the meanest about this one, showing me that they have little faith in my capabilities as a mother and employee of any organization. Lay off, I’m a big girl, and some would say, even mature. I won’t let my little one go astray, but let me figure it out what is right for me and mine.

“When will you be getting married?”

Um, let’s take one step at a time. I’m kinda pregnant right  now. But I appreciate your worries, grandparents.

So, dear readers, if ever you find yourself reaching for a strangers belly with little comments at the tip of your tongue, remember, pregnant women bite—really hard. Think logically and put yourself in that situation. More importantly, put yourself in that situation with elevated hormone levels. I will not be held accountable for my reactions.

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